Random musings

I'm really in the mood to write.  Blame it on the big coffee this morning (free, after my purchase of 9 beforehand).  Or blame it on all the writing I've been slaving away at for work and needing a different sort of writing.  Finally, lets be honest and face the fact that I have been a lousy blog writer for a while - and that I blame on not running enough, but like my friend John said after my last post, I don't need to be running all the time to be a runner.

Fair enough.

I present the following themes on my mind:

1.  Inspiration.  I'm finding a lot of this lately, even if I'm not able to put it into action.  A lot of my friends just did their first (or third, or who knows, hundredth?) 70.3 this past weekend.  It was all over Facebook, my own personal newsreel.  It partly made me feel like a lazy bum, but mostly in awe that I know people who do this stuff.  And sometimes I do that stuff with these awesome people.  Bananas.

I've also been watching the Olympic trials when I catch it on TV, namely track and field and swimming from last night.  These people are nothing sort of amazing and their bodies are moveable sculptures. Olympians, sob story or not, don't usually inspire me, or they have not in the past, but I'm feeling more connected to this circle of athleticism as I grow in my own fitness.  I had to chuckle a bit on a side story that covered the rehab tent for the track athletes who were getting wrapped, tapped, laser-ed, massages, iced... really now, what are we doing to ourselves!

2. Bike:  I am still taking the bicycle out for one or two weekly spins, enjoyably so.  However, I am very confused.  What do you refer to all this as?  Is it biking?  Riding?  Cycling?  Are you a biker or a cyclist?  I've been using "cycle" and variations of because biking and riding to me are affiliated with motorcycles, thus confusing my Harley-owning husband.  But I feel elitist saying "cycling" for some reason.  Someone help me out, k?  I need the move like Jagger here.

3.  Gym:  I have not belonged to a gym in years.  My gym is outside, year round.  So oddly enough, I found myself signing up for the Wellness program at my work TODAY as a matter of fact.  For less than $14 a month, I get access to pools, fitness centers and tons of classes, including yoga and strength training.  There are also some free coaching sessions with nutritionists and trainers up to a certain number.  

4.  Cross training:  When kept up, I guess does its job.  I ran 3 miles at the lightening pace of 10:24 yesterday, keeping eye out on my tender right foot.  When I was done, my body said "you can do more!" but my foot and mind said "be good..." 

5.  Love.  My heart needs another kind of workout.  When I have times off from massive training, I really get to look around me and see who I've become, for better or worse.  I want to try and take more time for others, including family and friends.  I want to resist the gut instinct to talk about myself all the time when people ask (what's this?) and return the question. 

Tough decisions

Running hurts.  Running hurts me.

I came home last night, one day after an easy 3 miler with my friend Jane.  I was grumpy and worst of all, in pain.  I got the ice out, the KT tape, the foam roller and propped my feet up on the couch.  It's happening again.

Today, I'm not even walking so great around my house.  I can guess what the causes are, what needs to be done, what I am not doing to alleviate the symptoms and pain.  Stages of denial are palpable.

All of this aside, I am starting to realize I've fallen victim to running.  It's a fun and self-building activity that is slowly breaking me down.

I love my running friends, the community.  I love training for races because I love schedules, and organizing things in life.  And I hate when that goes awry.  Being on time is late for me.  A 6 mile run is at least 5.9 miles and no less, and if it's more, than it's that much more.

What I don't love is the pressure that I HAVE to do X amount of miles on X day.  I don't love when my life revolves around my running. "Want to go out tonight and have a few?" my husband will ask.  If it's Friday night, I decline.  I do my long run in the morning!  So we stay home and I'm in bed by 9.  Part of this is my personality (like I said, I don't like my schedule being unscheduled at the last minute).  Part of it is the pressure I put on myself to be a runner.

I'm resting this weekend.  If I didn't have a race in 3 weeks, this wouldn't be a big deal.  I would do something else.  Instead, I'm freaking out over it.  7 miles is on the schedule!  How am I going to be ready for this race?!  

This is why things have gone bad.  I push the limits, all in the name of a racing bib and fee.  Between my two big races this summer, I am out over $100 easily, money that could be spent on something perhaps more useful, or stashing it away into a vacation fund.  A non-running vacation to someplace where all I need to do is sit and be.

Trust me, races are great, really - they are motivating, you get free stuff, you can measure just how good you are, how much are improving or not, and if you have a bunch of friends racing with you, it makes for a great time.  But that is not all what running is, what it should be.

My heart is heavy writing this, and while I am not giving up running and spending time with my running friends (hope), I simply must give up racing.  My body and mind are both pleading with me to stop.  I don't know how I will finish out the summer, with Boilermaker in 3-4 weeks.  I guess I can go, do my best, even if I have to walk most of it.  At this point, forfeiting this race two years in a row makes me incredibly sad.

I'm in a tough place - something I love so much is causing me grief.  

I will leave with a new Rush lyric (at least the new album is keeping me somewhat sane!):

The thing's I've always been denied, an early promise that somehow died

A missing part of me that grows around me like a cage.

On being well-rounded

I haven’t been much of a runner lately.  The recent “injury” is just a memory now, but everything from summer still cruelly teases me.  I ice, I foam-roll, I am upping my mileage slower than what would be my trail marathon pace (read: SLOW) and something is still not right.  While it’s not enough for me to go for another round of tests, I just hope I can keep it at bay to get through my upcoming races.

In the meantime, I’ve been keeping active with other activities, ones which I didn’t expect to take to so well, such as:

Yoga:  I’m still keeping up with it!  My first DVD was getting a bit too familiar as I found myself holding most of the poses pretty well, so I upgraded to the Power Yoga workout, next in series.  I am now doing that workout once a week and feeling stiff as a board once again!  But, I know in a few weeks, I will (hopefully) conquer this tape as well.  I’m not sure what this yoga is really doing for me, other than I like it when I am in the workout and my hips feel “freer” afterwards..

Hubby Hiking:  I am not sure what has taken over me lately, but I have been craving nature.  I’m constantly wanting to be outside, near trees, brush and wildlife. It’s odd – I chalk it up to the fact that I have no real cities next to me, and when I am in a busy area, I find myself getting anxious… anyways.  My husband Greg has been having back issues as well – so, we both have been taking to the trails and getting in some hiking on the weekends to get some exercise.  Why does this rock?  For one thing, it’s “us time”, and if you know Greg and I, we don’t get a ton of time together because as a farmer, his work isn’t a 9-5 block of time.  It’s whenever, almost all the time, or hardly at all – you just never know.  Taking an hour or two to hike with him is nice, and good for us (sweet!)  What’s also super awesome is that living in central NY, there is never a lack of trails.  In fact, right in our backyard is Fillmore Glen state park a somewhat treacherous climb up vast gorges that take your breath away.  Other options include Ithaca’s numerous trails, the Cornell Plantations (part of the University I work at), Beaver Lake up in Syracuse and our own true backyard – which, while short in distance, is kick ass because we own 20 acres.  Not many people can say they took a nice 20 minute walk in the woods without crossing any borders!  Most of all, hiking is a different, yet effective way to practice moving my legs and take in nature.

Biking:  This sport has become more tolerable for me with the accession of an actual road bike – buh bye husky mountain bike up pavement hills!  Added bonus:  It’s white with mint green and so chic this spring :) I’ve been taking it out for spins at least once a week, despite it being quite cold – thankfully my heavy winter running clothes work well while biking in freezing winds.  Learning the bike is a different feeling though.  With running, I just had to go out there and DO it, but cycling introduces a whole ‘nother instrument – your bike, the gears, chains, shifts, flat tires, blown tires, tumbles and falls.  In fact, it was only a few weeks back where I embarrassingly posted on facebook that basically I didn’t know how to use the damn thing because my only bike experience had been fun kid bikes.  Yes ladies and gentlemen, turns out you truly can forget how to ride a bike.

I can bike for about an hour, 14-16 miles at a time which isn’t bad.  I’m avoiding questions of “when is your first tri?!” like the plague.  Frankly, if I did want to do a tri, or a duathlon (more likely), I’m out of race funds anyways so we’ll have to wait until next year.  And I don’t know if I am that brave… yet.

What I was brave enough to do was join some strangers for my first brick workout.  The plan was to bike 15, then run 2-4, from the popular tri store, Endurance Monster, in Skaneatles, NY.  The day before, I worked a huge day-long event from 7am until 10:30 that night through a networking dinner (with wine!).  Plus, the weather for the brick was 40’s and rainy.  Needless to say, I was well prepared to skip this nonsense, but when I woke the next morning feeling oddly refreshed, and the weather was just cloudy, I loaded my bike in the back of Greg’s pickup and headed out to the Brick&BBQ group event.  I was nervous, scared and felt like I did with my first few group runs when  I first started running, thinking I didn’t belong anywhere near other “runners”, or in this case “cyclists”.    When I got there (which by Jill Time is 20 minutes early), I sought out a few other cyclists looking up at the sky and pondering an early start before the rain started.  I thought it was a good idea, so I asked how fast they rode.

“Oh, psh.  Not fast” said one woman.

“Nah, we go about, I don’t know, 25, or so”  said the second woman.

“Ohh..” I trailed off, with a big gulp to force down the dose of Instant Tears that came about me.

The first woman started to chuckle, nudging the second one. “no way, we go slow, 14 or so, if that.  We’ll see what the conditions are too.” She said.  Thank the Lord, I thought – I can deal with this.

So out we headed, and I stayed with them for the most part, passing them sometimes on the hills, tentative down the inclines as some rain had started to fall.  I wasn’t cold and the others in our 5-person group complained their hands were icicles.  I joked that my $1 cotton walmart gloves were doing the trick at keeping my fingers warm, which may or may not have won me “new person is cool” points. 

We ended up getting lost on the route and accomplished 12 miles, including hills up main route 20 (!)  Back at the store, I felt I could have gone farther, but I saved the energy for the second portion – a nice 3.5 mile run with my LE running buddy, Todd.  I had completed my first brick – and it was neat!

While these other activities are enjoyable, I’m still grumbling about not running up to par.  It’s hard not to compare myself to others, but it’s so tough seeing everyone else slam down races and I’m back to my “4 mile long run” bracket.  My next race in Boilermaker in July, a 15K.  I should be ready by then, but only time – and ankles – will tell. 

From the lowest low to the highest highs

About a month ago, I ran my fourth half marathon in what can be described as the blizzard of impending doom. It looked something like this:

At least here, I can see runners, which is more than I can say for the whole race.

 This was my worst 13.1 time on the books.  It was my best 13.1 in terms of a pure mental test, and I somehow succeeded – 40MPH wind gusts and stabbing snow, be damned!  I feel silly looking back now, feeling proud that I made it through as best as I did as we are all still moaning about how awful it was (but we conquered!)

It was the week after that the half really started laughing in my face, or should I say, my left shin.  A nice localized sharp pain that exceeded the worry alarm, and back to the doctors I went.  Here we go again.  One Xray, a bone scan, an MRI and 4 weeks later, I sit today, stress fracture free and wondering, oh wondering, what the heck went wrong.

Dr. Orthopedic thinks I may have just not recovered enough if I raced the half really hard (or it could be compartment syndrome should the pain return; he thinks unlikely).  Well, no, I didn't race per se, but how can someone not feel physically beat up on those wintry conditions?  Would I have saved myself 4 weeks of waiting if I had just laid off the road a week or two?  Should I have kept running anyways and seen if it had gone away, possibly winding up more hurt like last summer?

I have the OK to run now, but only about a mile at a time and slowly working my way up.  I must control the urge to work the miles up.  No, really.  I must.

Knowing my 18.12 challenge is around the block, I printed off a marathon training plan for first-timers.  Why?  18 miles lies somewhere on the 26.2 training continuum so I figured I could plug this in there.  Boilermaker sits in perfectly on the schedule too, believe it or not!  And why first timers?  Because the plan starts out at 2-3 mile runs, which is where I am starting from again (not even actually, ha!).  The progression is slow, but steady – just what the doctor ordered. 

I know injury is not preventable, but are some advice that I am probably not going to follow this time around:

• If I feel I can’t take a true rest day, I MUST do something non-impact (Jillian Michaels, I'm diverting angry glances at you and your plyometrics).  Warm weather is coming and I have a generous gift card to a local bicycle shop, birthday gift from my husband.  Let’s see if my cycling experience becomes more positive this summer with some fancy, and proper, equipment, and if it aids in my running training.
• Get back to trail running once a week.  Soft trails, not technical ones.  I am craving a trail run as I write this, possible since I found tons where I work (Cornell University).  It is softer on the joints and works different muscles.  I used to do one trail a week, and gave it up after an IT band injury which I know was caused by bad sneakers, not the trails.  Keeping to even trails will help this too.
• Walking is OK!  I’ve been walking at least 2 miles a day, 4 on the weekends.  It’s so hard not to run, so much in fact I’ve forced myself to wear jeans while walking, not spandex, just to stop the temptation.  However, I get the same feelings from walking that I do running – I’m out exercising, so it puts me in a good mood.  It’s mentally cleansing when I am alone, and other times my husband has joined me walking around our woods and other trails, which is some bonus “us” time.
• Last injury, I gained about 5-8 pounds, which made it that much harder to get back to running (and into my jeans).  This time around, I made myself be more careful with my diet, including cutting out bits and pieces I did not need to eat.  I’d like to continue this trend when I get back to training, and add additional calories in a healthy way.  This, alas, is so damn hard because running really doesn’t make me crave salads that often, if you know what I’m saying. 

So, here I am again, trying to get through this race season - it's spring, and I'm already saying that!

Improvement and stagnation

For someone who used to hate yoga, I'm really falling in love. I've been putting a good 40 minutes into my routine about two times a week. What I love is, after each session, I can't describe it but my legs and hips feel so good, like I can shashay around the house a'la Shakira. I have also noticed a super slight trimming effect in my hip area as well, which slightly opens up m clothing options.

But mainly, on tonight's run in fact, I am seeing a difference in the way I move. For the easy three I did tonight, I could keep my legs active the entire time, as opposed to shuffling off at the end. Minus a long neck, I felt like a giraffe in the desert, except it was 30 out. Very encouraging!

What is not encouraging is a nagging injury. A couple weeks ago, my leg angrily flared up, so I took a step back week. I was stupid though; I reintroduce too much cross training in again, aspiring for the two-pack I secretly developed last year (cousin of the 6pack, dontcha know?) now I've re-cut those workouts out, admitting sleekifying defeat, but keeping my eye on the goal which is my first half of the year.

So far, eh... Ok. Tending to things before and after the runs is helping: ibuprofen before the long runs, compression after all runs, sometimes wrapped over night and using a sleeve during the day walking around on days before the long runs. I've been more adamant about icing too, which just bores me to tears, sitting around even after long runs, but let's think of how far, or short I have come.

I am scheduled for 10 miles this weekend, breaking it up into 4, then 6. Then, yoga on Sunday!

In other news, the title of this blog is so wrong anymore. Should I change it? Such a sad death, my heel collection has suffered.

My Run

Do any of you say this?  "I have to get my run in."; "I'm going for my run now."  "Yes, I'd love to take a weekend trip away, but when am I going to get my long run in?"

The simplest substitution of "my" for "a" is quite a big deal and it wasn't until this weekend I really gave it any thought - and how much sense it makes.

I rarely feel like I actually own anything in my life that isn't considered completely material.  Yes, I own the caramel-colored boots I am wearing today and it's complimenting outfit.  Yes, I own my car, other tangible things. And I say things like "my job" or "my marriage" but the factors that go into both of those don't mean I truly own them.  My job, for example - I have ownership in that I fill that role, and it's up to me whether or not it grows, progresses or is a dead end.  However, my employer, Cornell University library, owns the position in that I could, relatively speaking, be terminated at any time for any reason (hopefully very doubtful!)  Same with my marriage, or friendships since those are two way situations where the other matters.  I mean, I may love my husband to death, but should he not feel the same, I'm not owning that (again, very doubtful, I know he loves me to pieces!)  So, while I still can attach "my" to these wonderful things in my life, there should really be "my*" as I can't take full responsibility in most cases.  The other factors in the way contribute to the success or failure.

My run?  I really feel like it's all mine, though.  It's the one part of my day where I determine how it goes.  I can go out there, shuffle along at a "smell the roses" pace, or push like I am in a race.  I can do it solo, with a group, inside or out.  I make the final decision of how far I go - making sure (most times) that my Garmin registers the exact mileage I want.  It's my meditation, prayer, and for the control Type A in me, gives me a great sense of ownership and pride.

It also explains a lot when I can't do my run why I get upset.  If I'm injured, there is nothing I can do.  Or if the weather is bad enough that my life would be risked being outdoors, like the hail/lightening storm of 2009 in Towasentha Park (another story, another time!), my run gets robbed from me.  When my run does not happen, it's not really mine anymore because it does not exist.  But in the motions of the present, during my run, I have completely assumed control (Rush reference).

Running to Stand Still

I'm scheduled to run 8 miles this Saturday.  I have not done this since July, and I know I can do it, so why is it so daunting?  Obvious, I know.  Making this into a Big Deal should not be necessary - but it is.

Therefore, I've been thinking of splitting up my miles as I edge towards the long runs within the 8-12 mile mark before my first half marathon of the year.  Running 4, then 4 seems like a good plan, and again, not necessary, but my mind can wrap around it and I see success in the layers.

I used to think this was not the way to go about doing things.  After all, when you are in a race, you are continually running - ideally catching water from the little paper cups you grab out of volunteers' hands while striding alone just to keep going and not waste precious milliseconds time.  Why would I do otherwise in a training run?

I believe I have written on this before, but running and not stopping for me was a sign of true running form and stamina.  It wasn't until I attempted my first 10 miler with friends, when we took it 5 miles at a time, that I realized the breakdown was OK - and even smart.

Besides, these are training runs.  I'm no Olympic Qualifier - just a running gypsy gone free into the wind...

Psh - right.  Let's be honest: I'm trying to get done as quickly as possibly because God knows there is a HUGE mug of coffee waiting my arrival at the end.  And I live for that.

I digress... Chopping up your runs into pieces can make the training manageable and even more fun.  It's sort of like approaching your long runs as you would a big project.  You set out your goals, deliverable and objectives.  If you are super organized, you make charts or bulleted lists and follow accordingly.  I know personally, my desk is a landfill of post-it notes and scraps of paper ranging from index-card sized to full letter size - all containing notes and to-dos that all contribute towards a bigger goal.  It keeps me on track, leaves me feeling accomplished when I can cross off items (or discard into the recycling bin) and shows my progression through some of the muddier tasks.  When I approach my training in this fashion, I can mentally feel hopeful about the outcome that lies ahead.

So, even if I have to stop a few times to take a breather on my long training runs and break them up into segments (even if they don't seem so long to some), it reassures me to get the job done.  Come race day, I will feel confident to have all the pieces I worked on come together for the one main event.

Of course - only that race day can determine what happens out on the road.  But, that's always another story ;)