Random musings

I'm really in the mood to write.  Blame it on the big coffee this morning (free, after my purchase of 9 beforehand).  Or blame it on all the writing I've been slaving away at for work and needing a different sort of writing.  Finally, lets be honest and face the fact that I have been a lousy blog writer for a while - and that I blame on not running enough, but like my friend John said after my last post, I don't need to be running all the time to be a runner.

Fair enough.

I present the following themes on my mind:

1.  Inspiration.  I'm finding a lot of this lately, even if I'm not able to put it into action.  A lot of my friends just did their first (or third, or who knows, hundredth?) 70.3 this past weekend.  It was all over Facebook, my own personal newsreel.  It partly made me feel like a lazy bum, but mostly in awe that I know people who do this stuff.  And sometimes I do that stuff with these awesome people.  Bananas.

I've also been watching the Olympic trials when I catch it on TV, namely track and field and swimming from last night.  These people are nothing sort of amazing and their bodies are moveable sculptures. Olympians, sob story or not, don't usually inspire me, or they have not in the past, but I'm feeling more connected to this circle of athleticism as I grow in my own fitness.  I had to chuckle a bit on a side story that covered the rehab tent for the track athletes who were getting wrapped, tapped, laser-ed, massages, iced... really now, what are we doing to ourselves!

2. Bike:  I am still taking the bicycle out for one or two weekly spins, enjoyably so.  However, I am very confused.  What do you refer to all this as?  Is it biking?  Riding?  Cycling?  Are you a biker or a cyclist?  I've been using "cycle" and variations of because biking and riding to me are affiliated with motorcycles, thus confusing my Harley-owning husband.  But I feel elitist saying "cycling" for some reason.  Someone help me out, k?  I need the move like Jagger here.

3.  Gym:  I have not belonged to a gym in years.  My gym is outside, year round.  So oddly enough, I found myself signing up for the Wellness program at my work TODAY as a matter of fact.  For less than $14 a month, I get access to pools, fitness centers and tons of classes, including yoga and strength training.  There are also some free coaching sessions with nutritionists and trainers up to a certain number.  

4.  Cross training:  When kept up, I guess does its job.  I ran 3 miles at the lightening pace of 10:24 yesterday, keeping eye out on my tender right foot.  When I was done, my body said "you can do more!" but my foot and mind said "be good..." 

5.  Love.  My heart needs another kind of workout.  When I have times off from massive training, I really get to look around me and see who I've become, for better or worse.  I want to try and take more time for others, including family and friends.  I want to resist the gut instinct to talk about myself all the time when people ask (what's this?) and return the question. 

Tough decisions

Running hurts.  Running hurts me.

I came home last night, one day after an easy 3 miler with my friend Jane.  I was grumpy and worst of all, in pain.  I got the ice out, the KT tape, the foam roller and propped my feet up on the couch.  It's happening again.

Today, I'm not even walking so great around my house.  I can guess what the causes are, what needs to be done, what I am not doing to alleviate the symptoms and pain.  Stages of denial are palpable.

All of this aside, I am starting to realize I've fallen victim to running.  It's a fun and self-building activity that is slowly breaking me down.

I love my running friends, the community.  I love training for races because I love schedules, and organizing things in life.  And I hate when that goes awry.  Being on time is late for me.  A 6 mile run is at least 5.9 miles and no less, and if it's more, than it's that much more.

What I don't love is the pressure that I HAVE to do X amount of miles on X day.  I don't love when my life revolves around my running. "Want to go out tonight and have a few?" my husband will ask.  If it's Friday night, I decline.  I do my long run in the morning!  So we stay home and I'm in bed by 9.  Part of this is my personality (like I said, I don't like my schedule being unscheduled at the last minute).  Part of it is the pressure I put on myself to be a runner.

I'm resting this weekend.  If I didn't have a race in 3 weeks, this wouldn't be a big deal.  I would do something else.  Instead, I'm freaking out over it.  7 miles is on the schedule!  How am I going to be ready for this race?!  

This is why things have gone bad.  I push the limits, all in the name of a racing bib and fee.  Between my two big races this summer, I am out over $100 easily, money that could be spent on something perhaps more useful, or stashing it away into a vacation fund.  A non-running vacation to someplace where all I need to do is sit and be.

Trust me, races are great, really - they are motivating, you get free stuff, you can measure just how good you are, how much are improving or not, and if you have a bunch of friends racing with you, it makes for a great time.  But that is not all what running is, what it should be.

My heart is heavy writing this, and while I am not giving up running and spending time with my running friends (hope), I simply must give up racing.  My body and mind are both pleading with me to stop.  I don't know how I will finish out the summer, with Boilermaker in 3-4 weeks.  I guess I can go, do my best, even if I have to walk most of it.  At this point, forfeiting this race two years in a row makes me incredibly sad.

I'm in a tough place - something I love so much is causing me grief.  

I will leave with a new Rush lyric (at least the new album is keeping me somewhat sane!):

The thing's I've always been denied, an early promise that somehow died

A missing part of me that grows around me like a cage.