Running hurts. Running hurts me.
I came home last night, one day after an easy 3 miler with my friend Jane. I was grumpy and worst of all, in pain. I got the ice out, the KT tape, the foam roller and propped my feet up on the couch. It's happening again.
Today, I'm not even walking so great around my house. I can guess what the causes are, what needs to be done, what I am not doing to alleviate the symptoms and pain. Stages of denial are palpable.
All of this aside, I am starting to realize I've fallen victim to running. It's a fun and self-building activity that is slowly breaking me down.
I love my running friends, the community. I love training for races because I love schedules, and organizing things in life. And I hate when that goes awry. Being on time is late for me. A 6 mile run is at least 5.9 miles and no less, and if it's more, than it's that much more.
What I don't love is the pressure that I HAVE to do X amount of miles on X day. I don't love when my life revolves around my running. "Want to go out tonight and have a few?" my husband will ask. If it's Friday night, I decline. I do my long run in the morning! So we stay home and I'm in bed by 9. Part of this is my personality (like I said, I don't like my schedule being unscheduled at the last minute). Part of it is the pressure I put on myself to be a runner.
I'm resting this weekend. If I didn't have a race in 3 weeks, this wouldn't be a big deal. I would do something else. Instead, I'm freaking out over it. 7 miles is on the schedule! How am I going to be ready for this race?!
This is why things have gone bad. I push the limits, all in the name of a racing bib and fee. Between my two big races this summer, I am out over $100 easily, money that could be spent on something perhaps more useful, or stashing it away into a vacation fund. A non-running vacation to someplace where all I need to do is sit and be.
Trust me, races are great, really - they are motivating, you get free stuff, you can measure just how good you are, how much are improving or not, and if you have a bunch of friends racing with you, it makes for a great time. But that is not all what running is, what it should be.
My heart is heavy writing this, and while I am not giving up running and spending time with my running friends (hope), I simply must give up racing. My body and mind are both pleading with me to stop. I don't know how I will finish out the summer, with Boilermaker in 3-4 weeks. I guess I can go, do my best, even if I have to walk most of it. At this point, forfeiting this race two years in a row makes me incredibly sad.
I'm in a tough place - something I love so much is causing me grief.
I will leave with a new Rush lyric (at least the new album is keeping me somewhat sane!):
The thing's I've always been denied, an early promise that somehow died
A missing part of me that grows around me like a cage.
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